In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter in February, Kelsey Grammer, the actor best known for the TV sitcom “Frasier,” was asked about the swift departure of Rosanne Barr from the reboot of her show last year.
Considering a restart of his own popular show, Grammer was encouraged by the initial success of Barr’s reboot. But in May of 2018 Barr insulted Valerie Jarrett, the former Obama administration official, with a comment on Twitter that ABC President Channing Dungey described as “abhorrent, repugnant and inconsistent with our values.” ABC immediately canceled Barr’s show.
The tweet was removed, and Barr apologized. But the damage was done.
You can go back and revisit that story if you like, but it’s Grammer’s response that interests me here.
The Reporter asked Grammer how he thought Barr’s departure from the show could have been handled differently. He seemed reflective. “I have no idea,” he admitted. And then he added this insight, “I think people should be forgiven for their sins. Our life is so challenging. How do you ever make amends?”
Haunting question, isn’t it?
As if reflecting on some personal failure, he voices what we all fear. When I fail, as I surely will, will I be forgiven? When I stumble, falter, say what I shouldn’t say or do what I immediately regret, will I be cast out? And if I ask for forgiveness, will it come?
Grammer is right. In a relationship without forgiveness, “how do you ever make amends?”
Jesus instructed His followers not only to forgive, but also to practice forgiveness. From a biblical perspective, practicing forgiveness is essential for five reasons:
- Forgiveness is essential for growth. Without forgiveness, we have no confidence in the relationship. No one is allowed to make a mistake, and so no one grows. And if the relationship doesn’t survive the hurt, lack of forgiveness generates the anchor of bitterness that ties you to the past. Forgiveness doesn’t ignore hurt. Instead, forgiveness unties and releases bitterness so that past hurts cannot dictate the future, and it cultivates personal growth. “The one who conceals his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them will find mercy” (Prov. 28:13). The best and strongest relationships are those in which both parties are not afraid to fail.
- Forgiveness is essential for humility. It reminds us that we, and all around us, are human. A lack of forgiveness implies that we and those we love should be perfect. Without forgiveness we foster unrealistic expectations of others (Rom. 3:23, 1 John 1:8) and refuse to admit our own frailty, fostering the pride which further damages relationships (Matt. 7:1-5).
- Forgiveness is essential for perspective. Without forgiveness, we magnify every hurt into a monster that won’t go away. Small mistakes and big sins blend together, and we rush to judgment on each error with equal zeal. But the gospel of Christ is grounded in a simple fact that no one’s sin against us will ever match our sins against God. So He paid the greatest price. Jesus demonstrated that the level and sacrifice required for forgiveness should match the offense, but no matter what offense we forgive, it doesn’t measure up to what He has done for us (Prov. 10:12, John 15:13).
- Forgiveness is essential for hope. Without forgiveness, how do we see a better tomorrow, strengthen relationships, get past the past to build the future? Without forgiveness we hold onto the hurts of the past and bitterness takes root. This is the main reason that unforgiveness destroys friendships, families, and churches. Every time a new problem arises, we bring up the past. Soon we feel hopeless. In that sense, a lack of forgiveness ensnares us and confines us to a cruel junction from which there is no escape. But forgiveness sets us free to hope again, to grow again, and to be again who God wants us to be. Jesus forgave the woman caught in adultery, and then He added, “Now go, and leave your life of sin” (John 8:11). Forgiveness is one person saying to another, “I side with God. You can do better than this. Let’s start over.”
- And last, forgiveness is essential for following Christ. An unwillingness to forgive siblings in Christ is an explicit act of disobedience. It is a refusal to admit, yet again, that He forgave you far beyond what you deserved. “And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ” (Eph. 4:32, Col. 3:13). To be like Jesus is to forgive. To refuse to forgive is to disavow any resemblance to Christ.
I know, as you do, that sometimes, even when we practice forgiveness, the relationship ends. And, of course, you can forgive, but that doesn’t change the other person. They still make their choices. But it is not your job to predict the future or dictate someone else’s behavior. And why would you want to?
Forgiveness is about moving on. For the moment, or for a lifetime.
Perhaps more than anything else, forgiveness signals that we are becoming more like Jesus every day. “He has not dealt with us as our sins deserve, or repaid us according to our iniquities” (Ps. 103:10)
So how can anyone make amends? How can we return forgiveness to our wounded relationships?
We can start by remembering what God has done for us.