7 Tips for Dealing with Difficult People

Ah, the holidays. Traveling. Black Friday. Big meals. Football. Loved ones.

            And, occasionally, difficult people.

            You know what I mean. Those family members that you see once a year because, well, that’s about all you can handle. Maybe you are blessed to have no such people in your family, distant or close. Or maybe if you do, you don’t have to see them much.

            But I hear from people all the time who dread the holidays because they dread seeing those people and the conversations that will happen—again, and again. They cringe because they know what’s coming. A repeat of last year, and the year before. Relatives who should be attentive and kind and delighted to see you are instead snarky, rude, or just plain annoying. Worse, relationships that should be supportive and a blessing are toxic and even abusive.

            I’m not talking about disagreeing on the weather, the Panthers, or the recipe for sweet potatoes. I’m talking about painful, abusive comments that are designed to attack your character and diminish you as a person.

So, here’s the thing. You can’t pick your family. But you can decide how you respond to them.

So, before you go to dinner, I want to offer some biblical insights to help you with these difficult relationships. And, by the way, these are transferable. Maybe it isn’t a family meal you dread but work on Monday or facing that rude neighbor or an ex-spouse. Because we are all about relationships of all kinds, the Bible directly addresses how to deal with problem people.

The key is to remember that you control YOU. You can determine how you respond, and you should never abdicate to any human being the control of your responses and emotions. You, partnered with God, should control the helm of your responses.

Here are a 7 short tips:

1. Take a breath. Be slow to respond. Avoid escalating a conversation into an argument. Can you say something kind, or ask a question for clarification? Prov. 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.”
2. If someone insults you intentionally, they are trying to get you to argue. Giving someone the ability to get you to argue is a weakness on your part. Instead, ignore an insult. “A fool’s displeasure is known at once, but whoever ignores an insult is sensible” (Prov. 12:16).
3. Remember, anyone can argue. That’s not hard. Be proactive. Seek peace. Try to make amends if possible. “Honor belongs to the person who ends a dispute, but any fool can get himself into a quarrel” (Prov. 20:3).
4. Ask God to help you love that person the way He does. People are frequently dealing with conflict in their own lives that drive them to be unkind. “Hatred stirs up conflicts, but love covers all offenses” (Prov. 10:12).
5. You are responsible to God to be a steward of His love, truth, and grace, and how you respond to other people should demonstrate that He is at work in you. He has called us to interact with people, especially other believers, the way Christ would. That is a trait of the saved in Christ. “Be compassionate and humble, not paying back evil for evil or insult for insult but, on the contrary, giving a blessing, since you were called for this, so that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:8-9).
6. But responding as Christ would requires God’s help. God always helps you do what He wants you to do. In advance of being in the same room with difficult people, ask for the fruit of the Spirit to be displayed in and through you as you interact. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control” (Gal. 5:22-23).
7. But, as a last resort, you may just have to avoid that person. I’ll call it “selective confrontation.” It happens. Sometimes you need time to heal, or prepare, or you know that being at the table this year will push you into a place that God doesn’t want you to go, filling your mind with bad attitudes and wrecking your joy. Your mom or your cousin so-and-so may not understand, and it is not a long-term solution, but sometimes it is best to just stay away. You are under no obligation to put yourself in a bad situation, at least, not yet. “Don’t make friends with an angry person, and don’t be a companion of a hot-tempered one” (Prov. 22:24). “Reject a divisive person after a first and second warning” (Titus 3:10). Even Jesus practiced such selective confrontation, at times walking away from confrontational people in favor of spending time with those who were more receptive (Luke 4:28-31). He also taught that not every conversation should be treated on equal terms (Matt. 10:16).

Sometimes it is time to deal with difficult people. Sometimes it is time to walk away. And sometimes it is time to wait. At least for now.

But one thing is always true—people have only as much ability to diminish you as you allow them to have.