Even a web site like “Mercury: Your Daily Emerald Blog,” which is a hodgepodge of New Age, self-centered tripe, can get it right now and then. Or, at least, come close.
A 2016 blog on the site offered “7 Lessons from Famous People About Forgiving Others.” The “famous people” ranged from Jennifer Aniston to Joel Osteen to Oprah Winfree to Nelson Mandela.
And the reasons the celebrities talked about forgiveness varied as much as the celebrities themselves. Sexual abuse, divorce, imprisonment, or simply being targeted by unfounded criticism. It seems that even the most elite among us suffer pain and hardship at the hands of others, and need, sometimes, to figure out how to forgive.
It’s part of being human
Everyone needs to practice forgiveness. Why? Because bitterness and pain are no respecter of persons.
So, I appreciate that even “famous people” must learn to forgive, and that they might have lessons to pass along. But the truth is, we need a source greater than “famous people” if we are going to learn to practice life-long forgiveness, to get beyond those painful moments that still haunt us and even enslave us to the past.
And the holidays make this especially relevant. Because at the holidays we are likely to see people we haven’t seen in a long time. People that we otherwise try to avoid if we can. People that remind us of a rift that hasn’t healed, a wound that hasn’t closed.
You know who I am talking about. Those family members who are hard to forgive.
Families and forgiveness
Maybe you and your family members are on different sides of the political divide. Maybe you have that one family member who always wants to argue, or that one that pokes fun at your job, or that one that looks down on you because life didn’t go your way, or they take it out on you because life didn’t go their way. Or they ridicule your faith.
Or, worst of all, maybe the holidays force you to face a family member who harmed you at some point in the past. What they said to you, or did to you, haunts you. And each time you see them the pain is fresh. Depending on the severity of the situation, seeing that person can even revive past trauma or rekindle hurts that have never fully healed.
Fact is, in some cases, it might be best to stay away. Sometimes you need boundaries until you are ready to deal with difficult people. But, on the other hand, if your pain anchors you in the past, maybe it’s time to practice forgiveness.
How do you forgive when you can’t forget?
But that’s the rub, isn’t it? How do you forgive what they have done, especially if they refuse to admit it and they don’t ask for forgiveness? Are you off the hook and validated in your bitterness, anger, and hurt?
No, not really. See, if you are a Christian, the Bible doesn’t give you a pass just because the offender is oblivious to the hurt or unwilling to apologize. Instead, God calls the Christian to higher ground.
Why? Because forgiveness is a practice that mirrors what Christ has done for us and one that characterizes the Christian life.
What’s the difference?
Forgiveness is not about that other person. Forgiveness is about you, your mental and physical health, and your relationship with Christ (Eph. 4:32).
The way Christians handle hurtful relationships should be distinctively different from the way non-Christians do. And the way we forgive is one part of that. If we treat people, including offending family members, the same way a non-Christian would, what does that say about our relationship with Christ (Prov. 25:21)?
Peter once asked Jesus how many times he had to forgive someone (Matt. 18:21-22). Would seven times be enough? He picked seven because the Jewish Law required three times. So, he doubled that and added one for good measure. He was trying to impress Jesus. But he was really just asking, “Where can I draw the line on forgiveness?”
Jesus wasn’t impressed. And His answer unnerved Peter, as it does us today. Famously Jesus responded, “Seventy times seven.”
In other words, for the follower of Christ, there is no line. There’s only grace and forgiveness. For the Christian, forgiveness is not an emotion. It’s a decision.
So what happens when you follow Jesus’ lead and you decide to practice forgiveness?
- It’s a decision to obey Christ
For the Christian, forgiving someone is an act of obedience. As Jesus told Peter, God doesn’t give us the option to draw a line and decide the extent of our forgiveness. It is a matter of grace, not law.
This especially applies if the other person professes to be a Christian. An unwillingness to forgive siblings in Christ is an explicit act of disobedience. It is a refusal to admit, yet again, that He forgave you far beyond what you deserved. “And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ” (Eph. 4:32, Col. 3:13).
To be like Jesus is to forgive. To refuse to forgive is to disavow any resemblance to Christ, and it hampers your intimacy with God (Matt. 6:15).
- It’s a decision to be free
Forgiveness doesn’t ignore hurt. It cultivates healing. Forgiveness unties and releases bitterness so that past hurts cannot dictate the future. Forgiveness brings liberty, but unforgiveness fosters bitterness and keeps you anchored in a painful past (Prov. 10:12).
And by the way, forgiveness reminds us that we are human. A lack of forgiveness implies that we and those we love should be perfect. Without forgiveness we foster unrealistic expectations of others (Rom. 3:23, 1 John 1:8) and refuse to admit our own frailty, fostering the pride which further damages relationships (Matt. 7:1-5).
So, here’s the thing–refusing to forgive not only prevents you from being free of past hurts it also burdens you with a form of legalism. When we forgive, we admit that we are imperfect, broken people. When we refuse to forgive, we are pursuing an image of perfection that doesn’t exist.
- It’s a decision to trust God
God asks you to trust Him to handle the other person (Rom. 12:19), and to let Him liberate you from your past (John 8:36).
Without forgiveness, how do we see a better tomorrow, strengthen relationships, move forward to build the future? Without forgiveness bitterness takes root. This is the main reason that unforgiveness destroys friendships, families, and churches.
A lack of forgiveness ensnares us and confines us to a cruel junction from which there is no escape. But forgiveness sets us free to hope again, to grow again, and to be again who God wants us to be. Forgiveness shows we trust God for our future.
When Jesus told Peter “seventy times seven,” He was not commanding an impossible burden. That’s what the Law did. Jesus was giving Peter, and us, the freedom to forgive the way God does.
And to trust God with the rest.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Rom.8:1