After the 2024 election, Dr. Amanda Calhoun, a psychiatrist at Yale University, discussed the impact that the election of Donald Trump might have on family relationships. Talking to Joy Reid at MSNBC, in particular she offered advice for LGBTQ people faced with family members who voted for Trump.
Since she’s a medical professional, and particularly in mental health, you might expect Calhoun to advocate for balance and compassion, or grace and tolerance. Or to offer advice for getting along with family members on the opposite side of the aisle.
You might expect that, because reasonable people would. But you’d be wrong.
Calhoun’s advice
Instead, Calhoun’s sage counsel to people in the LGBTQ community is to cut off their family members who voted differently than they did (she assumes, by the way, that all LGBTQ people voted for Harris).
“There is a societal norm,” she said, that people in your family “are entitled to your time. I think the answer is absolutely not. If you are going through a situation where you have family members or close friends who you know have voted in ways that are against you, against your livelihood, it is completely fine to not be around those people and to tell them why.”
You can read more from the interview here and here. But no matter how much you read, the substance is the same. If people in your family voted differently than you, Calhoun says you should cut them out of your life.
Why such bad advice?
Calhoun illustrates the new identity-defined activism. She even prioritizes activism over mental health. According to her website, “she believes that all doctors should be activists, and that social justice should be integrated with medical education.”
I don’t know about you, but when I go to a medical professional for help, I don’t want them to decide my care based on politics or ideologies. I want them to care for me as a person, a human being who needs medical attention.
After all, shouldn’t medical science be objective? Yes, it should. But Calhoun demonstrates what happens when postmodern identity-politics engulfs medical science. Science loses out to preferences and feelings.
And so does the family. The “societal norm” she rejects is the importance of a person’s biological family.
Postmodernists require people to be identified by their group or their “tribe.” So, for instance, in Calhoun’s world an LGBTQ person is seen as only LGBTQ, not as a member of their biological family or even, for that matter, as a member of the human race.
They are identified by their group, and their loyalty is to their own group, not to their biological family.
What does the Bible say?
To be fair, the Bible acknowledges that some relationships demand distance. Boundaries can be healthy.
Such boundaries are necessary when a relationship compromises greater goals or a higher purpose, such as sharing the gospel, healing from trauma, or protecting a loved one from harm.
In those cases, more is at stake than disagreeing over election results.
Sometimes, for a season and to serve a bigger purpose, we may need to temporarily extract ourselves from some conversations and even some relationships until we are better equipped to engage in them.
Christians should minimize time with people who are prone to anger, who might corrupt your morals, who are divisive in the church or the family, who ridicule your faith, who insult the gospel, or who jeopardize your mental or physical health (Matt. 7:6, 10:14, 1 Cor. 15:33, Prov. 22:24, Titus 3:10-11).
Of course, pursue forgiveness. Don’t let bitterness or anger rule your life. We forgive because Christ forgave us.
That said, a disagreement over politics doesn’t qualify biblically for distancing yourself from a family member. We can vote differently and still be family.
When relatives disagree, what should you do?
If you are a Christian, the truth wins out. And families matter. Maybe you voted for Trump. Maybe you voted for Harris. If you are a professing Christian, Jesus gets your loyalty above all else (Luke 14:26).
Cutting off family members simply because you disagree politically is not an option. (See my previous blog). And, by the way, why should we give politicians that kind of power over our relationships? You’ll be part of your family long after that politician leaves office.
So, instead, see every conversation as an opportunity to serve Christ, regardless of your opinions, feelings, politics, or preferences (Col. 4:6).
Biblical advice
The Bible provides wisdom for relating to people who think or vote differently than you do. Take, for instance, the Apostle Paul’s guidance to a pastor named Titus.
Titus was serving Christians in a church on the island of Crete. This was not easy. The Cretans were known for lacking integrity, skirting the truth, being rude, ruthless, and reckless (and you thought your family was dysfunctional).
But rather than tell Titus to catch the next ship out, Paul advised his protégé to build relationships and to treat the Cretans with respect, ensuring that his devotion to Christ came first.
His advice to Titus yields two principles you can apply:
- Always be gracious (Titus 3:2)
Paul eliminates the option of disenfranchising people who disagree with you. Whether we agree or not, we are all people created in God’s image.
Instead, he instructs you in how to proactively approach the next conversation. “Slander no one, avoid fighting, be kind, and show gentleness to everyone.”
First, you should not slander them—that is, never malign someone, in public or in person.
And “avoid fighting.” Literally, be peaceable, not contentious. Don’t start an argument. Be reasonable and level-headed. And when someone else is contentious, “be kind.” The idea is to be gracious, just as God is gracious to you.
And just in case you get picky about who you’ll be gracious to, “show gentleness to everyone.” That is, be even-tempered and humble in all your interactions with everyone.
Why? Well, there’s a good reason for this humility.
- Always be thankful (Titus 3:3-7)
Paul reminds Titus, “For we too were once” adversaries to God, argumentative and foolish. And God never gave up on us.
See, at the end of the day, your relationships are not about who you voted for. Or who your family members voted for.
No, what matters is your relationship with Christ. So remember, God could have cut you off, ending any hope you had to know Him. But He didn’t.
So be thankful. Always keep the big picture in mind. Christians serve a greater kingdom for a bigger purpose. Keeping the bigger picture in mind helps us rise above arguments and not take too seriously disagreements over small things.
Remember, your conversations are not arguments to win. Your conversations are opportunities to serve Christ.
So, be wise
So, in this holiday season, engage with family. Never mind how they voted. You represent Christ in every conversation.
Remember, elections will come and go. Power structures will shift and shuffle. And through all of them, you’ll have that same family.
Remind them of these things, and charge them before God not to fight about words. This is useless and leads to the ruin of those who listen.
2 Tim. 2:14