I’m not a fan of “reality television” for reasons too lengthy to list here. But sometimes even the exploitation of “reality TV” can remind us of the better things we should aspire to.
Consider the case of Rachael Kirkconnell.
In mid-March, the 25th season of “The Bachelor” concluded with Matt James selecting Rachael Kirkconnell to be the woman he said he wanted to pursue a relationship with. But the woke mob had already marched through the forest with tar and torches and soon decimated the relationship even before the symbolic rose had time to wilt.
In February, photos resurfaced of Kirkconnell as a college student attending an “Old South” plantation-themed party in 2018. Accusations of racism followed, and the fallout began.
“Bachelor” host Chris Harrison sought balance and reason on Kirkconnell’s behalf in an interview, but the culture interpreted his words as defending racism, so he apologized profusely for not being woke. As if that would matter. By February 13 he was out of a job.
Of course, Kirkconnell also took to social media to apologize, using every bit of acceptable woke language possible to prove her sincerity and maybe salvage her relationship with James.
Then March 15 came, and Matt James was pressed to make a choice. At that moment he had a chance to do what no one else could do, to show the love he claimed to profess. He said that the photos were “incredibly disappointing,” and that it was “devastating and heartbreaking” to learn of Kirkconnell’s past behaviors. Of course it was, and I don’t blame him at all for being hurt. But he decided to permit an otherwise good beginning to be wrecked by the culture of no redemption. The relationship ended.
After Matt James jilted her, Kirkconnell said, “It was hard because I lost the love of my life,” and, she added, “I love him so much, and I always will. I do feel like I finally do know what real love feels like.”
No, Rachael, you don’t. Here’s why.
Real love is demonstrated by Jesus Christ. He set the standard we should strive for. And when we want to know what love is really like, we consider the character of Christ.
- Real love is not self-seeking (1 Cor. 13:5).
Real love is sacrificial and unselfish. Had Matt James expressed that kind of love, he would not have abandoned you to the pitch-fork wielding mob. He would have stood with you, even in front of you, and advocated for you. So be glad it’s over before it got started. Marriage requires of him the very unselfish behavior he lacked at the outset (Eph. 6:25-28).
Ultimately, Matt James chose himself over you. Be glad you found out his character now, before you said “I do.”
- Real love keeps no record of wrongs (1 Cor. 13:5).
Real love has a short memory. It doesn’t keep a running diary of your past failures or foolish mistakes. Love forgives. Apologies are treated as apologies, and the relationship matters more than shaming the offender.
This is the main reason that, I can tell you with certainty, you did not experience the “real love” that you sought. The world refuses redemption and fuels bitterness. But real love’s most Christlike characteristic is forgiveness. Without that, it simply isn’t sustainable, enduring, or capable of weathering a lifetime of struggles.
I’m not saying that Matt James was not right to be offended or “hurt” by your past indiscretion. But forgiveness isn’t really forgiveness if there is no cost to the one who gives it.
Be glad he’s gone. If he would not forgive you now, for something you did before you ever met him, imagine what it would be like if you did something offensive ten years from now! Because the fallacy of our current unwillingness to forgive is the notion that we can be perfect, now or ever. We cannot. You will stumble and sin and falter again. Find someone who has the courage to forgive you no matter what.
- Real love celebrates the truth (1 Cor. 13:6).
The whole verse describes exactly the opposite of your experience on “The Bachelor.” So let me spell it out, “Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth.”
God finds no joy in our sin, but He elicits a confession because the truth is so much better for the relationship. He holds us accountable for our sins, for unrighteousness. He doesn’t celebrate sin. He doesn’t let us deny our wrongdoing or hide it beneath a mask of deceit. Sin is sin, and wrong is wrong. So God sets a standard that being truthful about sin is not unloving, but it’s perhaps the most loving thing you can do. After all, how can we find forgiveness if we are unwilling to admit we are wrong (1 John 1:9-10, Eph. 4:15)?
That means, Rachael, that if Matt had truly loved you, if this was a version of the “real love” that you seek, that he would have pulled you close when you owned up to the truth. Real love doesn’t push you away when you say, “Yeah, I did that. And I was wrong.”
When the woke culture pounces on our sins, they are rejoicing in unrighteousness instead of rejoicing in the truth. Usually that just reinforces our unwillingness to confess our sin. Finding forgiveness cultivates confession and establishes security in your relationships. So I hope you find real love, love that supports your confession and follows it with forgiveness.
- Real love is always hopeful (1 Cor. 13:7).
Again, soak in the whole verse: Love “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” In short, real love will never give up on you.
The world might trash you, tell you that you are unworthy, that you are nothing and will never escape your past. But real love always looks ahead, always says tomorrow is another day, always hopes for your growth and fosters your greatness.
While the world sees no hope in you, real love has complete confidence that you can change, and that you will.
And for that reason, you can know this one thing—Real Love, Jesus Christ and those who love like that, will not leave you, abandon you, or cave when the culture comes after you (John 8:10-11).
So, Rachael, I pray that someday someone will love you the way Matt failed to love you. And in the meantime, I can say with confidence that Jesus already does.
No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:13
Excellent article on real love and the woke culture.
Thank you, Deborah!